TO: Girls at Sea (G.A.S)
FROM: Your Eternally Optimistic Travelista
RE: Ship Happens
DATE: One Week from Departure
Yes, girlfriends, grab your flip flops, sunscreen, and bio-hazard bags, because Carnival Cruises is making good on their promise of a free cruise. I so need this time away.
Carnival Cruise has confirmed our reservations for four staterooms on their Calgon Ocean Breezes flag-ship vessel. I feel warm and bubbly all over just thinking about getting away.
Calgon, take me away!
That’s right! I couldn’t believe it either! Forget packing the Dramamine; forget the safety drills; forget any chance of raw sewage, deplorable living conditions and long food lines again. In fact, I’m certain you could forget the biohazard bags too, but personally I’m bringing a 7-day supply just to be on the safe side. If memory serves me, the restrooms at the Port Authority weren’t anything to write home about.
And here’s the best part. Our cabins are on the starboard side, so we’ll have a view of the harbor and beyond – the open sea. It will look as if we’re actually cruising but feel as if we’re on terra firma. No sea legs required! No sea sickness to put a damper on the party; no nausea to curb your appetite for food or margaritas.
For seven glorious days, they’ll be no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, and no chance whatsoever of being stranded at sea again! Doesn’t get any better than that!
I’m bringing a sleeping bag, too; one can’t be too prepared in the event of a catastrophe despite being portside. In fact, I think I’ll throw in the pup tent the kids use for backyard campouts; maybe a kerosene lamp, a hotplate, and . . . OMG! Get this! How about I bring marshmallows!?
Remember Camp Fire Girls; hiking the back woods, dodging the mosquitoes; and the insufferable heat in July? At the end of the day, we’d sit around the campfire roasting marshmallows and telling ghost stories, basking in the glow of accomplishment and self-respect? We’ve trained for this cruise, girls.
I say, bring it on, Carnival Cruises. You don’t scare me!
Besides, what’s a little human waste with 10 kids between us and the thousands upon thousands of dirty diapers that went with that assignment?
On second thought, scratch the biohazard bags. I’m packing a week’s supply of Depends.
So get packing, G.A.S. Our SHIP HAPPENS (in one week)!
Your trusty Travelista!