I have a rather weighty issue to share with you today, so buckle up and listen up.
I knew the day would come! There’s now an airline out there charging passengers by the pound; baggage fees and a pound of flesh fees. Ouch, Shylock!
Weight, that can’t be! This is America, after all, the home of the brave, the free and the fat. Oops, I should be better at weighing my words. I meant to say overweight! Let’s start over. This is the home of the brave, the free and the overweight. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), two-thirds of U.S. adults over twenty are overweight! Holy red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting! I’m not pointing any fat fingers, mind you; especially given I’m part of that obscene count.
Yes, this is not a pretty subject (so why all the mirrors in the gym?), which is why for the most part airlines have avoided the weigh-ins that my doctor seems to have no qualms performing. Of course, she doesn’t charge any baggage fees either; neither does my therapist, and believe me, those sessions are all about excess baggage!
I know Jimmy and I won't be making any trips to Samoa either, because as we know too, a kilo (cha ching) is a kilo (cha ching) is a kilo (cha ching) is going to add up. Sounds like a fat tax to me!
Don’t pull that physics of flying excuse with me; more weight requires more fuel. And I don’t want to hear any whining from the airlines about fuel prices soaring. Aren’t airlines in the business of soaring! Next thing you know they’ll be moaning fuel prices are soaring faster than obesity. Do the airlines really think that excuse is going to pull any weight with me?
Mind you, I’ve made no excuses for my excess weight, despite the fact I have a thyroid condition. Really! Maybe a note from my doctor would allow me a 2% fudge factor on top of Samoa Air’s 2% fudge factor. I also heard my blood pressure medication causes weight gain. Wow, if I could squeeze out a 6% total fudge factor, my extra twenty pounds wouldn’t cost me a cent! Oops, I wasn't going to launch into excuses!
Considering some airlines already have a fat tax, as in, if you don’t fit in a single seat, you have to buy a second seat, I think the pay-as-you-weigh approach might actually save said passenger money and embarrassment. We'd all be in the same boat; I mean airplane. Samoa Air even promises said passenger more legroom and more comfort given the, um, heftier price tag. They can and will rearrange/change the seats to accommodate passengers. Which ultimately means I don't have to share half of my seat with said passenger. We each get exactly what we paid for.
Okay; I might just be willing to weigh in on this new fee schedule, but give me another six months to prepare. Oops; that will put me right smack in the middle of the holidays. Not a good time to think about pay-as-you-weigh flying options.
You know what; thinking about all this is beginning to weigh me down. I think we should just stick to the status quo. I told you this was a weighty issue. On second thought (obviously, I have many thoughts; I may have even exceeded my quota of thoughts), maybe a choice between the status quo and the pay-as-you-weigh option will work if first class seats come at no extra cost for the pay-as-you-weigh passenger whose weight falls in the healthy range.
Weigh to go! I’m a genius; an overweight genius looking to lose enough pounds to be a healthy weight genius flying first class; but genius nonetheless.
You know, this idea might just get off the ground, along with the plane. I think my idea is worth its weight in gold. Wish it was worth my weight in gold!