Don’t tell me you didn’t see this coming.
Dude, I said DON’T TELL me.
I hate excuses as much as #IHateTheWait when it comes to airport security.
How about those pictures all over social media with your pants down? Isn’t karma a beeotch! Just saying; when’s the last time you were on the receiving end of an airport scanner or a public pat down, much less a line longer than Pinocchio’s nose?
Hey, TSA, don’t try to deflect. I know all about the Costa Concordia disaster. Alaska is nowhere near Italy. Besides, Jimmy and I are cruising with Miami-based Norwegian Cruise Line.
Okay, yes, one or two Norwegian Cruise Line passengers have fallen overboard while at sea, never to be found, but that was years ago, in 2008 and 2009; probably rough seas or foul play. You should know all about foul play.
Please, please, please TSA, could you speed up the application process so I can stop worrying about airport security for my upcoming trip? Really, my life is an open book. Check my bag; check my body; check my blog. I lead a life of middle-class, middle-age mediocrity. I'm a middle child, too. My life is terribly boOorrring. Well, there is the travel, which is pretty exciting but rarely criminal.
Okay, I did inadvertently take pictures while touring Amsterdam’s Red Light District last year. That was a big no-no which nearly cost me a camera and a dip in a nearby canal. It was run baby run! Would it help if I told you no arrests were made?
And once, back in 2011, I briefly trespassed on Maui's private Kapalua Golf Course as Jimmy and I made our way to Makalua-puna Point, the sight of some incredible lava formations called Dragon's Teeth.
I hesitate to even mention my experience with Mozart’s balls in 2012, but I just couldn't pass on this unique cultural opportunity. You know; when in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Okay, yes, technically I was in Salzburg, not Rome. What’s your point?
Oh! I almost forget; I traveled to the Middle East two years ago, in 2014. That might raise a few TSA eyebrows. Raised a few eyebrows over three thousand years ago, too, when Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt. What can I say? The trip, then and now, was life-altering.
My speeding ticket 20 years ago definitely pales in comparison. Certainly nothing of biblical proportions.
I did have an epiphany of sorts as an eight-year-old when I botched my first heist (the candy I’d stuffed inside my shorts fell to the floor before I even made it out of the local grocery store) testing the murky waters of a life of crime.
No arrest, mind you. Just the walk of shame later that afternoon with my mother, as per conditions of my parole, to settle my debt with the grocery.
Damn. I hate when that happens.
#IHateTheWait, too. I appreciate your noble efforts in the name of national security. I appreciate that these are difficult times when it comes to flying. And I’d really appreciate you speeding up the application process when it comes to my TSA Pre✓®status. Really, I'm just doing my part to help with the long lines.
Oh, and for the record TSA, I don't have a Twitter account; which is to say heretofore I hadn't joined the melee and posted pictures on social media. Besides, I know all about the walk of shame. I know, too, just how effective it can be when it comes to recognizing the error of our ways.
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